| sleepy |
[Monday November, 23rd, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
So I just put up my Christmas tree. After I plugged it in I got this intense wave of nostalgia. It was this time last year that I was in the last weeks of my pregnancy and then later a new mom. I can't believe Julia is almost a year old.
|
|
| what's the payoff |
[Thursday November, 19th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 busy |
] |
I can't wait to get out of this apartment. Seriously, it will break my heart if we have to renew our lease next year. I don't care if all we can afford is a trailer or a two bedroom shack I just want our own place and maybe a little bit of space for a garden. I'm sick of neighbors slamming doors all night and waking Julia up, lazy maintenance people, paying way too much for rent, having no windows in my living room, climbing up three fights of stairs with a 20+ lb baby and a week's worth of groceries... the list goes on. This was a good place for us to move into 3 years ago, but we've outgrown it for sure.
|
|
| aligned |
[Thursday November, 5th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
How the fuck am I sick again? This is the fourth time this year. Julia is sick too, but she seems to be dealing with it a lot better than I am. As far as I can tell, all she has is a runny nose. A few days ago she had a low grade temp but I think that had more to do with her teething than anything else. Even so, I'm monitoring her closely because Chris's brother is being treated for H1N1 and that's the last thing we need.
Julia was fussy on and off today. She skipped her second nap and has been attached to one boob or the other most of the day. She did, a couple of times tolerate being set down to play independently for awhile, thankfully. She has learned to do a half-crawl-half-scoot sort of thing as a way of getting around. she is a late crawler, because of the torticollis I suspect. Today she scooted all the way across the kitchen floor and helped herself to some cat food. I'm pretty sure I caught her before she could get any in her mouth. If she did, it was only like one or two pieces. O god...
Anyway, here are a few Haloween pics ( ... )
|
|
| quiet side |
[Tuesday October, 27th, 2009 ] |
I always feel like I have too much going on-- too many issues to deal with, but I think I'm just easily overwhelmed. My situation could be so much worse. I'm not in too much debt (a little but my credit is still excellent), my boyfriend and I fight almost daily but at least he's there and he's a good father and we really do love each other, my family is always supportive, and my friends, the few that I can really call friends, are AMAZING.
Chris just got back from finishing up the new album in North Carolina a few days ago. The new stuff is ridiculous, waaaay better then anything they've ever recorded in the past. And the guy that records them also records/is friends with btbam so we got to hear their new record a few days before it was released. So good.
While he was gone, though, I started stressing out about money and how I'm not putting away as much as I had hoped to in order to buy a house. Chris is most likely going to be touring the first part of next year so the question I have is how much money will he be sending home during that time? Will it be enough to cover our expenses with me not working? And also, what's going to happen with his job here at home? I guess that's three questions... Anyway, it's not the way it used to be, that's for sure.
|
|
| stuck and burnt |
[Wednesday October, 14th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indifferent |
] |
I'm not sure if this was two dreams, or one long one.
In the beginning I am walking around some rural area of England and I happen upon a giant castle on a hilltop. Walking toward it, I realize that there are a cluster of smaller castles that stand behind it. Like a little kingdom of castles. On the way to the main castle there are tables with fliers and brochures but I ignore them. When I reach the gate, there is a sign posted with the price listed to tour the castles. The regular rate is $42 (US) and then $43 for medical professionals however you get a free video tape on oral higiene. I decide not to take a tour but to try and get as far as I can without paying. Inside the main castle is like a hotel lobby. I see three people. One is a resident from GB, the other is her twin (a dream invention). I don't recognize the third.
Then, I am at my parents house and the guy from the Sham Wow commercial is there (NOT Billy Mays, that other pitch guy, Vince something...) with a woman who I assume is a prostitute. At first I don't mind their presence but then they proceed upstairs and start rummaging through my sister's belongings and pocketing anything of value. I also know that they are planning to steal my blankets. So I tell them that they have to leave or I will have them arrested. They go without a fight but soon return with about 5 men with guns, at which point I run as fast as I can into the backyard with my cell phone attempting to call the police. For some reason whenever I need 911 in a dream I always mis-dial. I keet dialing 611 or 91*. I hide in the raspberry bushes, and that's pretty much then end.
|
|
| Patricia |
[Tuesday October, 13th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
I realize it's been awhile since I have posted a full entry in here. I don't know how to articulate things anymore. I think I'm exhausted.
My grandmother passed away over the weekend. It was so heartbreaking to see her go. About a year and a half ago she suffered her first stroke after which she became an altogether different person than they Grammy I grew up with. I think we all accepted her new "uninhibited" personality and even embraced a lot of her eccentricities. Since she was physically and mentally unable to care for herself at home, my mom transferred her from NJ to a long term care facility here in Maine, where she stayed until this last stroke.
I drove to Bangor with Julia on Saturday to visit her in the hospital with my family. We stayed the whole weekend until she died, on Monday. That morning an aid from the nursing home came by to offer his support and say a last goodbye. He was telling us all kinds of stories about her from the last year- the crazy things she would say, her delusions about certain staff members being pimps and all the female residents prostitutes, her stubbornness, and her biting sense of humor- and I thought to myself, she would be exactly the type of resident that I would become attached to had I been taking care of her at GB.
I really do miss her. She made an impression on a lot of people, and that's comforting.
|
|
| nm |
[Friday October, 9th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
The last few days have been shit.
|
|
| a good or bad angle |
[Thursday September, 24th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
I fucked up my hair and it's really bothering me. I've been cutting my own hair for years and not ever had any problems, not like this. It's way too short. I was just yesterday remarking to myself that I actually look decent and at the same time thinking about growing it out more... but then i got bored and started hacking away and somehow one side ended up way shorter than the other so I had to even it out and I had to cut off a whole bunch more in the front than I wanted to. Fuck. This sucks. It's really not drastically short but... ugh it's like the hairstyle I had in 3rd grade.
Oh well. I'm not going to bother with getting it fixed. Who do I really have to impress anyway? I guess I don't care that much after all.
( see? )
|
|
| turn it on turn it off |
[Tuesday September, 22nd, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pretty good |
] |
ahhh!
So Julia's been pretty sick these past few days (so have I but whatever, I can deal). It's just a cold, but she's been running a temp and pretty much clinging to me 24/7. This is the third cold we've had this year. wtf. Then this morning Chris comes home and we have another giant verbal back-and-forth episode of being assholes to each other. Fighting doesn't help the situation at all. I was tired and hadn't showered, neither Julia or I were dressed yet, and she had been fussing almost nonstop since we woke up. I asked him to run to the post office (2 minutes down the road) to mail out two packages for me. They were from ebay auctions so they had to be mailed out in the am. At first he just flat out said no, without any real good reason to back it up- he said the last time he did that for me he got the shipping service wrong so he's not going to the post office for me anymore, whatever. Then he (begrudgingly) said he would but I was already pissed off at his attitude and so we stood there and argued like children for like 20 minutes.
Julia started come around and was acting more like her usual happy self later on in the afternoon so I took her out for a little retail therapy. I think I deserved it. I've noticed lately that she is SO friendly and social when we go out in public. She's so cute. She babbles and squeals at anyone in close proximity whether they are interested in responding or not. Most people do, and I love it. Babies attract a lot of positive attention and make everyone feel good.
So despite a rough start, the day was not a total fail.
Bad start, good end.
Except for when some asshole called me a dumb bitch on the rotary because I didn't yield or something. but there were two lanes and he didn't signal, sooo fuck that guy.
Goodnight.
|
|
| who and what and where and why |
[Thursday September, 17th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 energetic |
] |
I love being a mom. I just wanted to say that. Maybe motherhood is my true "calling" after all.
A better update is in the works, but for now, check out some randoms of Julia (and me) from this summer:
( pics )
|
|
| when an opportunity arises |
[Friday September, 11th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
accomplished |
] |
Sooo... Julia had her nine month ped. appointment this morning, I guess I should report on that. It went pretty well- she is up to 19 lbs. 13oz. and 30 inches tall! I was talking to a girl in the elevator on the way up to the office who said that Jules looked about as big as her 14-month old boy. That's really nothing new though, considering she was over 9lbs at birth. It must be hereditary because I was a big baby and so was my sister. Actually I think Katie was almost 10lbs.
Anyway, we also got a physical therapy referral for Julia's torticollis. For anyone who doesn't know what torticollis is, it's a condition where the muscles in one side of her neck are contracted causing her head to tilt and also limits her range of motion so that she has some difficulty turning her head in the opposite direction of the tilt. Julia's case is mild and at first the doctor didn't think she needed the PT and neither did I, but she's been sitting up unassisted for three months now and hasn't shown a whole lot of improvement so I decided to be persistent about it rather than wait and have it be an issue later when it would be more difficult to correct. Her first appointment is next Wednesday.
|
|
| bars and chords |
[Friday September, 11th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
awake |
] |
I think I have a different idea of what school/college is supposed to be than most people. I don't believe that further education, at least structured education, is going to improve or enhance my life in any other way besides allowing me to make more money. Seriously, I've said this before- if I could make as much money being a CNA as an RN makes, I would just be a CNA and that would be that. I really don't have a whole lot of interest in having a career at this point in my life. Is that bad? I mean, I do want a higher paying job so eventually I'll go back to school, probably in the not too far away future, but I'm really not thrilled about it at all.
|
|
| textbook of surgery |
[Saturday September, 5th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pretty alright |
] |
Right now I have 60 cans of diet Pepsi in my fridge. How long do you think it will take before they're gone?
Sooo awful.
My working weekends seem to creep up on me out of nowhere. I worked the evening shift on Thursday after having been off for like a week and a half and found out that two residents died. The first was one that I'd only known since I came back from maternity leave but was kind of a favorite of mine, and the other was a lady who I'd taken care of for the last two years. That's one thing that bums me out about working so little- I always end up coming in to these sad surprises. I should be used to it by now. And speaking of work, I've been thinking about when I think I want to go back to full-time, and my first answer is never, but that's not really practical. My second choice would be to stay per diem until Julia is at least a year old, and then go back to 24 hours a week, and possibly start school at that time. I don't know. I have a lot of time to think about it and change my mind, and I probably will. We have to fit buying a house into the equation somehow too, blah.
Vanessa's wedding was last weekend and it was beautiful. The weather cooperated perfectly. Being back in Hampden always brings the memories. Like painting for HA drama, and how Eli used to stick my cigarettes in his nose then put them back in the pack so I wouldn't be able to tell them apart, and all the times we ended up at Dysart's. I was standing there, watching my best friend get married; myself, a mother now, and it was the oddest feeling. Like a combination of happiness and satisfaction, and nostalgia, and missing Eli, and feeling grown up & somewhat accomplished but weirdly still connected to myself as a 16 or 17-year-old. AH, so overwhelming. Anyway, Vanessa and Kruno are moving to Portland soon, so I hope that means we'll see more of each other.
|
|
| cool breeze it's a cool breeze |
[Friday August, 28th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
This is what my baby is doing right now:
She's sitting on the floor and lunging forward so both hands are down, then pinching her fingers together as though she were picking up something really small off of the carpet, but in fact there's nothing there at all for her to pick up. Then she's stuffing her hand in her mouth and pretending to eat whatever she pretended to pick up. She is even trying to chew on it, but trust me, there is NOTHING there, I've checked several times. She thinks this is hilarious and cackles for about 30 seconds each time she does it. What a strange little girl.
|
|
| pear shaped apple |
[Thursday August, 27th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 ow |
] |
I have been exhausted lately. I know why- it's because my sleep schedule is all fucked up because of work. I work two back-to-back night shifts every two weeks, 7p-7a, and then four hours every Thursday, 7p-11p. It means that I can never get into a regular pattern or a daily routine, which used to be fine before I had Julia, even when I was pregnant I was ok with it, but now it's starting to affect me negatively in various different ways.
I had another dentist's appointment on Tuesday and I'm still sore from all the shots of novocaine. I still have a shitload of work that needs to be done, like having my wisdoms extracted and getting an implant to fill a space where my adult tooth never grew in. I also want to have my teeth professionally whitened and filed down a little in the front, but that can wait.
Eh I don't know what else to say. I'm trying to not get stressed out about money. It's impossible.
|
|
| talking back to grandma |
[Tuesday August, 18th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hyper |
] |
I cannot believe how fucking HOT it's been these past few days. We bought a new a/c for our bedroom over the weekend because it was becoming completely unbearable. At night Julia would wake up and it would take me 3 HOURS to get her back to sleep because I couldn't carry her around, or nurse, or rock her without getting so sweaty that she would literally start slipping out of my arms. God, it was awful.
Friday was good though. We spent the morning at the beach with my friend Tiffany and her daughter, Alannah, who is just a little over a year. I love watching babies play. They got into our wallets and made a big pile of credit cards, receipts, and other random shit and then they totally ignored all other toys the whole time.
This is definitely not a new thing for Julia, by the way. She likes most of her toys but the five things that will WITHOUT FAIL make her laugh and bounce and clap her hands are my keys, my cellphone, my purse (and anything that can be found in it so I have to be careful), newspapers, and empty plastic bottles. What a little weirdo.
Anyway, look @ ( Alannah &Julezzzz )
|
|
| sha la la la la la don't be shy |
[Wednesday August, 12th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 fucking melting |
] |
Does anybody have any thoughts on extended breastfeeding? Like past 1 year?
People keep asking me when I'm going to stop and I don't really have an answer. I've been saying "I don't know, maybe two years?" and most people look at me like I'm fucking crazy, but I didn't think TWO years was that out of the ordinary. Anyway, maybe I should just say "when I have a reason to stop I will." Am I supposed to have my mind made up on this already?
( many of J and a few of me )
|
|
| running in circles |
[Wednesday August, 5th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 RIP |
] |
We had to let Zeus go today :(
My mom called this morning and said that he had liver failure and pancreatitis. Oh I'm so sad! I was 13 when we brought him home and I was the one who gave him his name.
Zues, you were a good boy, I'll miss you.
|
|
| double layer polarization |
[Tuesday August, 4th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
I hate it when Chris takes off when we're fighting.It makes me feel out of control and I know he's just doing it to cool off but it only complicates the situation further because the act of him leaving just fuels my rage and the whole time he's gone I'm thinking about how much I want to punch him. When he gets home I'm ready to explode. And I have to work on filtering some of what I say because when I start to feel defenseless I will release a flood of the most insulting low-blows I can think of. Sometimes I feel like we're getting nowhere. This has become so ridiculous. FUCK.
|
|
| ring ring ring ring ring ring |
[Wednesday July, 29th, 2009 ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
awake |
] |
I was up until 4 AM last night. 4am, and then Julia woke up at 5:30 (she had been up earlier at 3:00 too), and the weather was insanely humid again so today I had zero energy. I fell asleep while Julia was nursing at around 6 this afternoon, then she fell asleep too and consequently was really difficult to put to bed tonight. She's sleeping now thank God. I don't know why the hell I'm still up, I should be sleeping too.
I work tomorrow 7p-11p then I have this weekend off, so hopefully the weather's nice and we can go to the beach. AND on Monday Vanessa's coming down with her fiancee who I haven't met yet. He's from Macedonia. Prior to this I didn't even know where that was geographically, I had to ask my dad. Anyway I'm excited to be part of the wedding, this is the first time I've ever been in someone's bridal party. And I'm really genuinely happy for her (even though I'm a little jealous that I'm not engaged too.) I just misspelled "jealous" as "jelopus" btw.
( Julia has a farmer's tan )
|
|
